Talking. Conversations. Socializing. If you were a stranger, and we get to share a table at a convention, one of two things would happen. I would either talk about the convention with you, or just shut up and pretend I’m busy. It depends upon the environment and my state of mind. If I were with people two or three generations ahead of me, I’d choose the former. But it were my generation or just a step ahead of my generation, I’d prefer the latter. I know I would just bore them if I did the former. It’s really depressing when I see the reactions of people when I start talking about things like…some serious s**t.
This is why I don’t talk about things anymore. For most, what I talk about is too “emo” or plain f****** serious. I take life seriously and I like thinking about its veracity and depth. But no one really likes to listen to that. Non-work related conversations have been my Achilles’ heel. No kidding. I have not-so-good high school classroom experiences related to this(which most people don’t really know about, and that I don’t talk about…because no one really cares). When I talk about mathematics or any school-related topic, it’s quite easy. But if I’d talk about other things, I’d just bore them. I’d get the we-don’t-really-care look, and it doesn’t feel good. When I was in high school I knew I was socially awkward…I can’t talk to people my age.
But I didn’t want to end up alone. So, as a social and rational being, I had to adapt to the living conditions set by the environment that I was and still am in. Usually, when I talk to people, outside work-related things, I just go into auto-pilot mode. I’d have a set of prefabricated questions and topics that I could talk about with them. It’s no wonder, then, that I tend to blabber, talk balderdash, or just plain “garâ” and over the top (I’m not that and I don’t like being that). I’d react to certain stimuli the way how I see others would react. If it’s a joke, I’d laugh (even though when I tell a joke only a few people would get it). It’s like a naturalized response. It’s not lying. It’s adapting to the customs of normal human behaviour so that I don’t end up in a delusional state of mind confusing reality with hyperrealism (although I sometimes am at that state).
I know this frame of mind won’t last for long. But I’m still looking for people who speak my language or those who would genuinely want to learn my language. It’s not much of a secret…how I talk and how my mind works is embedded, to some degree, in my writing.