directionless journey

After a long (semi-long) hiatus from writing, I just happen to decide to. Why? Cause I can’t sleep. And because I’m bothered.

It’s been a roller coaster ride this month. Been disturbed about a lot of things. Mostly things that concern what I want out of life, who I really am, where I’d want to be tomorrow, and how I would get there. The things that most people would ask themselves when they’re about to graduate high school, about to graduate college, and about to hit menopausal. And, Yeah, I ask myself those questions almost every single day of my life. I don’t know why. I easily get bothered by random things. I’m that sensitive! I know I shouldn’t be, but I am. I’d know when I’m doing something I don’t like when I’m being fickle. And I’m not being coherent…such as this paragraph <yes, I’m aware of that, and I wouldn’t bother editing this>. Let me try to be sensible (and chronological) here.

It’s not that I don’t like where I am at now. It’s just that there’s a whole lot missing. And I can’t pinpoint what’s missing. (And though I’m single, believe me, it’s not a love life–life’s already complicated without it. LOL!). I just realized (like, right now) what it might be. This is what I like about free writing. Things just come to me. My life, now, is void of meaning. I think that’s it. It’s missing it’s purpose. And if life’s missing it’s purpose, in my case, it spells disaster. And lately, life’s been overly disorganized. Why? I lost my sense of purpose. (there we go. I talk to myself by writing about how I feel.) No purpose = No direction = Big trouble. Especially for one who is easily distracted by the most minute of things (if you’ve read previous posts you’d know why). I kind of know what I want to do and where I’d want to be. It’s the “getting-there” part that needs figuring out. Yeah, I’m very confusing.

I don’t know. I just need someone to talk to really. There are only a handful of people I can REALLY talk to…without fear. Like, 3 or 4. It’s hard. I’ll probably make a list after this. Making a list has really helped me, sort of, organize things. I’m planning to put the list on my phone, on the wall ( BIG WORDS this time)…just to remind me every single time. I think this will help. Yeah, I think it will. Definitely. First one on the list: Live. Live Life. (in short, don’t die before finishing your bucket list <– which reminds me).

An unexamined life is not worth living. – Socrates


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